October 4, 2019

A Return Of Depression - A Ramble

Hi there,

Today I wanted to talk about something serious here on my website. Over the past several months, I've been lagging on quite a bit - real life and here in the community. I have tried doing everything I can to get important things done - such as announcing winners of contests and/or hosting events - but doing this stuff has been so much harder on me than anytime before.

Over the past several months, I've had something return that I didn't expect would ever return. Depression. I had depression before I joined this community and that is really what got me more involved in the community. I started playing Wizard in July of 2009, but I became more active in supporting community efforts in October of 2009 - ten years ago! Ten years ago, I joined the community as a 16-year old that needed time away from what was stressing me out offline. Wizard101 and its community was the place I chose to spend that time. Since that time, I've made many new friends that have come and gone. It's tough seeing so many friends here leave over a decade whether it's conflict or just a busy life. But, I'm thankful to have been able to make good memories during those times.

Today, I was questioning whether to tell everyone here why I've been different this year. Why I've been lagging behind on new blog posts, being involved in a conflict/drama within the community, etc. The truth is that I've put off accepting that my depression has been returning for well over a year now. It's made me question many things in real life and here in the community. I've questioned why I'm blogging, whether people were talking about me behind my back, and even if the events are something the community still likes. Heck, I went on to have an event, the Holiday Mashup, when I was going through one of the toughest times I've had. I can point out many negatives about this event. But instead, I'm going to use this post to point out positives.

One main positive thing about our recent Holiday Mashup event is the people that did support and/or attend the event. The ones that don't only point to contests are always the ones we try to work for. There are fewer in the community that appreciates the true intent of events (not just ours) and will only go if they have a chance of winning something. But when anyone supports/attends our events for the actual purpose of community involvement, it brightens up my day. I don't care if we had two people attend or support for that purpose. You brighten my day! I know not everyone is able to attend our events and I want to thank those that just spread the word about them. For a while now, I've thought about not having them anymore. But, those who truly support the events will be the reason they continue. Heck, even if there are 10 of us left. We'll do them for the sake of true community involvement/togetherness. 

I really don't know what the future holds for me. But I hope it's bright! I want to end this post to let you know that I am okay and that I hope to get back to my usual self eventually with the help that I am going to get in real life by talking to a professional. I have good days & bad days. Today is actually a halfway good/bad day. But I still have hope. Why? Well, first of all, I LOVE Life and I'm fighting depression. In all honesty, I couldn't say that before I joined the community. While I haven't been myself for a while now, I am going to try my best to do things that I have always wanted to do but had something in the back of my mind telling me that someone would think it was weird or pointless. I feel that if I break that shell, I will once again break this depression. I hope y'all will join me on this strange new journey. I hope to make new posts soon & get caught up on things I've been behind on for months. It might take a bit. But stick with me. Thank you for reading, everyone. Until next time, I'll see you around the spiral.  ~ Edward Lifegem 

I had to choose another random photo to add to this post... So here you go ;)

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